Right?!?! Is that what we call an "oxymoron"? Sometimes I feel like I'm a living oxymoron. Perhaps I'm not using it in the right context. Perhaps I don't have a full grasp on the meaning of that word. But here's my take on it.
So much is happening and yet there is no see-able movement. Progress in our health - so much progress and yet on the outside - I can't tell. My blood pressure is FINALLY getting back into the safe mode. But only I know that. I am losing weight and inches but it's not really noticeable. It's not decreasing fast enough for impatient me. But my clothes fit differently - but only I know that. Maybe my concept of oxymoron is not correct and more than likely I'm not using it correctly but it seems to fit right now.
A lot is happening in my "business". But no one else can see it. It's not radically noticeable. But....there is money going into the bank - not much - but it is a start. My name is getting out there. I'm still tweaking and trying different things and figuring out how and what I really want this business to be. A lot of it has to do with my health journey and the oxymoron of that for me is that MY HEALTH JOURNEY IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. Well not successful enough to try and make a business out of it. What in the world am I thinking???? How do I really think this is going to go anywhere??? It's also about my journey in finding myself. In tapping into the creativity that is mine - that I downplay - that I am not confident in because it really doesn't look professional or it doesn't look like it should. How in the world do I think that this is going to prosper??? What in the world am I thinking??? Am I am a country mouse trying to fit into a professional mouse world?
So as you can see - much is happening - just nothing much that anyone can see. I don't have a building that I'm remodeling or a storefront that I'm opening up or....or....or....or. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing. I do know that I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of trying something new. I'm not afraid of bumbling around trying to find my way in the dark. So what am I afraid of? I am afraid of being seen as a country mouse trying to fit into a city mouse world. I am afraid of not being taken seriously. I am afraid of being like a "nutty professor".
That's where I am right now in my head. But the much that is happening is that I'm facing these fears and trembling and sweating and hoping that I'm not getting in over my head and all of a sudden I go under because I can't swim. I have a fear of suffocating, of not being able to breathe.
Breathe in and breathe out. Take one faltering step at a time. Keep holding the Hand of my Master. And today I get to go on a secret mission that I can't disclose right now the details of it. I love secret missions. I love the adventure. I love seeing what this day holds. And that's where I rest. In the confidence that My Master, Savior, Redeemer, Friend and Restorer of Dreams holds my hand and will NEVER let me go. He sees the next step and the next. My confidence grows as I stop looking at the steps and keep my gaze fixed on Him. He knows where He's taking me - even if it is into the depths where I am in over my head! Lean into the adventure of that!!!! and see the Oxymoron of life lived fully and freely even when nothing much seems to be happening.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Monday, March 19, 2018
Feeling Small in a Big World
This week, my mother turned her world upside down by falling and splintering her wrist. She will be having surgery to put it back together and will have a "bionic" wrist.
In the process of taking care of business here at home so that I could go up and help her out for a couple of days - my blood pressure spiked and I almost passed out twice as I was finishing up projects to fulfill some obligations. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack. I have been battling high blood pressure for a couple of weeks as I've been changing my eating lifestyle and being very intentional about getting healthy. I have never before experienced an anxiety attack, but I could feel myself getting dizzy and the room started to go a tad bit dark. I talked myself down and reminded myself of what was important to get finished and the other things that weren't so important - it was ok to let them go. I got everything done and we were on the road by that afternoon.
I continued to unwind the further we drove and closer we got to my mom. We stopped at a gas station to fill up and to stretch our legs and get some food. I found several large items that made me feel small and put into perspective how that anxiety attack made me feel.
No, I did not cheat and eat that "treat". haha......We had a good time with my sweet mama. I cooked some meals for them to have in the freezer, since she only has one hand to work with, while my sister took down all her Christmas decorations and cleaned the bathrooms and did some laundry.
We are hoping to go up there again next week and because of being able to plan ahead - I will circumvent any anxiety attacks that may try to glom onto me. Now I know what it feels like to have one and my heart hurts for those that deal with them on a more regular basis.
In the process of taking care of business here at home so that I could go up and help her out for a couple of days - my blood pressure spiked and I almost passed out twice as I was finishing up projects to fulfill some obligations. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack. I have been battling high blood pressure for a couple of weeks as I've been changing my eating lifestyle and being very intentional about getting healthy. I have never before experienced an anxiety attack, but I could feel myself getting dizzy and the room started to go a tad bit dark. I talked myself down and reminded myself of what was important to get finished and the other things that weren't so important - it was ok to let them go. I got everything done and we were on the road by that afternoon.
I continued to unwind the further we drove and closer we got to my mom. We stopped at a gas station to fill up and to stretch our legs and get some food. I found several large items that made me feel small and put into perspective how that anxiety attack made me feel.
We are hoping to go up there again next week and because of being able to plan ahead - I will circumvent any anxiety attacks that may try to glom onto me. Now I know what it feels like to have one and my heart hurts for those that deal with them on a more regular basis.
Sunday, March 11, 2018
My 3 Words
This morning as I'm drinking my glass of fresh, pure, raw juice, I stand and look out the east window at my awe inspiring view. The 3 words that I felt God gave me for this new year came rushing back to my memory. TRUST RISK LEAP
I am constantly being reminded to trust Him, that He Who is Faithful to begin a good work WILL see it through to completion. Trust, that when He says something, no matter what the circumstances say, to trust that what He says still stands. Trust in Who He is, in His Character, in His Trustworthiness, not just flippantly saying "I trust You", but when the rubber meets the road and when it looks as if it's not working out - going back to trusting in Who He IS!!!!
I kept thinking and even telling people that so far I'm not really risking or leaping - just taking baby steps. But that is not true anymore. Both Steve and I have taken a huge LEAP and changed our eating lifestyle drastically. We are choosing to eat plant based foods and juicing. We are seeing positive results and are actually enjoying food again.
I took a big RISK last week by having business cards made and setting up a Facebook Page for my home cooking business. I am seeing the dividends of trusting God in His Faithfulness in keeping His Word. By trusting Him that when He says to rest in that trusting - He makes things happen.
I am learning more and more to rest in that trust. I am still impatient and get restless and begin to dabble in trying to make things happen. And each time that I do, it's like God "slaps" my hand and reminds me that I am not resting in Him. I still have a long ways to go in living in the reality that it's not about my performance or lack thereof. It is about what God is doing. When I rest and live in that confidence that God loves me whether or not I perform and there is no measuring stick in His reality of who He's created me to be. A tree doesn't strive to produce leaves and fruit or nuts or whatever it's genre is. It just does. It continues to be a tree and continues to produce as long as it is alive. I am learning to BE who God created me to be and if I live in His reality of confidence and trust and rest - I will produce/perform/do whatever it is that He's created me for.
It's not about me and what I can or cannot do - It's about Him and what He can and will do when I leave the producing and results up to Him.
I am constantly being reminded to trust Him, that He Who is Faithful to begin a good work WILL see it through to completion. Trust, that when He says something, no matter what the circumstances say, to trust that what He says still stands. Trust in Who He is, in His Character, in His Trustworthiness, not just flippantly saying "I trust You", but when the rubber meets the road and when it looks as if it's not working out - going back to trusting in Who He IS!!!!
I kept thinking and even telling people that so far I'm not really risking or leaping - just taking baby steps. But that is not true anymore. Both Steve and I have taken a huge LEAP and changed our eating lifestyle drastically. We are choosing to eat plant based foods and juicing. We are seeing positive results and are actually enjoying food again.
I took a big RISK last week by having business cards made and setting up a Facebook Page for my home cooking business. I am seeing the dividends of trusting God in His Faithfulness in keeping His Word. By trusting Him that when He says to rest in that trusting - He makes things happen.
I am learning more and more to rest in that trust. I am still impatient and get restless and begin to dabble in trying to make things happen. And each time that I do, it's like God "slaps" my hand and reminds me that I am not resting in Him. I still have a long ways to go in living in the reality that it's not about my performance or lack thereof. It is about what God is doing. When I rest and live in that confidence that God loves me whether or not I perform and there is no measuring stick in His reality of who He's created me to be. A tree doesn't strive to produce leaves and fruit or nuts or whatever it's genre is. It just does. It continues to be a tree and continues to produce as long as it is alive. I am learning to BE who God created me to be and if I live in His reality of confidence and trust and rest - I will produce/perform/do whatever it is that He's created me for.
It's not about me and what I can or cannot do - It's about Him and what He can and will do when I leave the producing and results up to Him.
Saturday, March 3, 2018
A Radical New Journey
For the month of March, Steve and I will be changing up our eating lifestyle drastically and radically. After watching numerous documentaries and doing his own research, and basically out of desperation, we have decided to become.....oh...it's....so....hard....to....commit....to....this.....label.....VEGAN.
For Steve especially because he's grown up knowing only meat and potatoes and more meat and dairy and have to eat the meat and it's all about the meats and the dairy to get our protein. You can do your own research and come to your own conclusions but this is ours and we're trying it for at least the month of March and then reevaluate where we are at in regards to our weight, our blood pressures and his cholesterol levels. Something has got to change and we've tried so many other things and it's just not working.
When we lived in India - we were both the healthiest we have ever been - except for Steve's bought with malaria and the "denghi fever".....hahaha But we ate simple and basic - mostly veggies and legumes and rice and fruit, very little meat. So we know that we can do this - it's just difficult in a culture that highlights meat and dairy as our major sources of protein.
Here's our first dinner:
Yesterday, I was hungry for pico de gallo (i think that's the correct way to spell), so I made some and had it with my organic corn chips.
And then last night, we went out to dinner and we did have only veggies and we were full. This was a a few of the items we had to eat:
Roasted brussel sprouts and Korean roasted cauliflower and we had hummus and veggies and guacamole and homemade chips. So I'm thinking we can do this!!!!
Just in a few days - we've noticed changes in our moods, energy levels, sleeping patterns and alertness. So good so far, but it's only a few days into the month. I'll keep you all posted. Steve says, "why are you telling everyone?" For me - it's because when I put it out there for others to know - it adds a level of accountability. And I'm encouraged already by the response of many who are trying the same thing or who have already changed over and can see much health improvement.
Thanks for caring and supporting us. =) Happy Eating Everyone and Be Happy and Healthy!
For Steve especially because he's grown up knowing only meat and potatoes and more meat and dairy and have to eat the meat and it's all about the meats and the dairy to get our protein. You can do your own research and come to your own conclusions but this is ours and we're trying it for at least the month of March and then reevaluate where we are at in regards to our weight, our blood pressures and his cholesterol levels. Something has got to change and we've tried so many other things and it's just not working.
When we lived in India - we were both the healthiest we have ever been - except for Steve's bought with malaria and the "denghi fever".....hahaha But we ate simple and basic - mostly veggies and legumes and rice and fruit, very little meat. So we know that we can do this - it's just difficult in a culture that highlights meat and dairy as our major sources of protein.
Here's our first dinner:
Just in a few days - we've noticed changes in our moods, energy levels, sleeping patterns and alertness. So good so far, but it's only a few days into the month. I'll keep you all posted. Steve says, "why are you telling everyone?" For me - it's because when I put it out there for others to know - it adds a level of accountability. And I'm encouraged already by the response of many who are trying the same thing or who have already changed over and can see much health improvement.
Thanks for caring and supporting us. =) Happy Eating Everyone and Be Happy and Healthy!
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