Right?!?! Is that what we call an "oxymoron"? Sometimes I feel like I'm a living oxymoron. Perhaps I'm not using it in the right context. Perhaps I don't have a full grasp on the meaning of that word. But here's my take on it.
So much is happening and yet there is no see-able movement. Progress in our health - so much progress and yet on the outside - I can't tell. My blood pressure is FINALLY getting back into the safe mode. But only I know that. I am losing weight and inches but it's not really noticeable. It's not decreasing fast enough for impatient me. But my clothes fit differently - but only I know that. Maybe my concept of oxymoron is not correct and more than likely I'm not using it correctly but it seems to fit right now.
A lot is happening in my "business". But no one else can see it. It's not radically noticeable. But....there is money going into the bank - not much - but it is a start. My name is getting out there. I'm still tweaking and trying different things and figuring out how and what I really want this business to be. A lot of it has to do with my health journey and the oxymoron of that for me is that MY HEALTH JOURNEY IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. Well not successful enough to try and make a business out of it. What in the world am I thinking???? How do I really think this is going to go anywhere??? It's also about my journey in finding myself. In tapping into the creativity that is mine - that I downplay - that I am not confident in because it really doesn't look professional or it doesn't look like it should. How in the world do I think that this is going to prosper??? What in the world am I thinking??? Am I am a country mouse trying to fit into a professional mouse world?
So as you can see - much is happening - just nothing much that anyone can see. I don't have a building that I'm remodeling or a storefront that I'm opening up or....or....or....or. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing. I do know that I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of trying something new. I'm not afraid of bumbling around trying to find my way in the dark. So what am I afraid of? I am afraid of being seen as a country mouse trying to fit into a city mouse world. I am afraid of not being taken seriously. I am afraid of being like a "nutty professor".
That's where I am right now in my head. But the much that is happening is that I'm facing these fears and trembling and sweating and hoping that I'm not getting in over my head and all of a sudden I go under because I can't swim. I have a fear of suffocating, of not being able to breathe.
Breathe in and breathe out. Take one faltering step at a time. Keep holding the Hand of my Master. And today I get to go on a secret mission that I can't disclose right now the details of it. I love secret missions. I love the adventure. I love seeing what this day holds. And that's where I rest. In the confidence that My Master, Savior, Redeemer, Friend and Restorer of Dreams holds my hand and will NEVER let me go. He sees the next step and the next. My confidence grows as I stop looking at the steps and keep my gaze fixed on Him. He knows where He's taking me - even if it is into the depths where I am in over my head! Lean into the adventure of that!!!! and see the Oxymoron of life lived fully and freely even when nothing much seems to be happening.
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