This evening as I sit here - I have lots of things going through my head. I am exhausted and not quite sure why I'm so exhausted. I have so many things that are occupying my mind and yet right now my hands are empty and needing something to do. So instead of feeding my face when I get bored - here I am typing.
I am missing my kids. I am missing being able to hold and snuggle my new grandson. I am missing the energetic, lovable and oh so adorable 2 1/2 year old grandson. I am missing him holding my hand. I am missing hearing him say "Gma". Videos are great and Skype is fantastic but it's just not the same as physically being with them.
Looking at the very real possibility of putting this house on the market. This house that we have been in since 2004. This house holds so many life changes, so many memories, so much laughter and a whole lot of tears, lots of friends around the fire pit, my dog Zac driving me crazy, giving all 3 of our daughters away to our sons in law, acquiring 2 grandsons. Another chapter in our lives is quickly coming to a close. Downsizing our lives, downsizing our possessions - means I have to go through so much stuff that has been accumulated. Leaving behind all these memories. I am ready to move on because I know it's needed and I need/want to downsize but the emotional side of things leaves me rather exhausted just thinking about all of it.
I am so very tired of spending almost a month fighting this convection oven thing at work. The mental and emotional and even physical exhaustion just from having to fight for our rights with this company. I am so very tired of it all. It is so close to the finish line and I can see it up ahead but I also fear that there could be a trap that I don't see. I am tired of feeling like I've been the idiot who didn't check out all the details, ask the right questions. I am also tired of NOT having enough money to deal with this problem effectively. I am so very tired of NOT having the right personnel to deal with this situation effectively. I am so out of my league and I feel helpless and like a raft out in the depths of the white water with these huge boulders that I keep banging up against. I feel like at any moment I'm going to capsize. I am so tired of feeling so angry and out of sorts. It sets me off so quickly and I don't like that. When I feel that things are out of my control - I tend to get angry and defensive and I do NOT like being backed into a corner. I do NOT like to feel that I'm left out in the middle of the ocean with no way to get back to shore. We don't have the money to fix it (it's not worth any money to fix) and now we don't have the money to get another one.
I cling to the Rock that never changes. I cling to My Defender, My Hero, My Savior, My Redeemer. I cling to the One Who Holds me in the palm of His Hands. I cling to Him Who beckons all of His Heavenly Army to go to war on my behalf. I KNOW He has my back. I KNOW He will come through. I KNOW He will make a way where there seems to be no way. When the Red Sea is before me, high cliffs on either side and the enemy at my back - He reveals His Saving Power. He reveals the way through. When all around me is shifting sand and shadows - He is My Rock, My Foundation. He will hide me in the cleft of the Rock till the storm passes by. He will make my feet like the feet of a deer to be able to climb to the heights of the Kingdom of Love.
I will not quit, I will not give in. If I don't quit I win!!!!!!!!
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