in the midst of this family life - i am always in conflict within my mind and emotions. my daughters have grown up and are doing life and family on their own. i constantly struggle with wanting to be involved and yet knowing that my involvement is not hands on anymore. i struggle with wondering if they think of us often and if so, why do they not call or text? i raised my girls to be independent from me and yet somehow i struggle with the fact that they don't need me like they used to. which is the way it's supposed to be and i'm so glad that they are confident in themselves and their lives apart from the parents. and yet........i still miss the needing. they somehow have seemed to become smarter than us now and not so sure about wiser, cuz doesn't that come with age? ;) i struggle with feeling like the "family idiot" at times. they laugh at me a lot and the things that i say, they roll their eyes at me many times. sometimes i feel that they have this need to prove me wrong. and all of this - i wish i would not take personally and most days i don't - but there are a few days where it kinda hits me in the sensitive spots. i know they love me. i know they love to be with me. but why oh why, after so many years of being family - do i struggle with these insecurities?
i type these things to not garner pity or ask for your flattery but i know many feel this way and i'm just putting a voice to the feelings. and i love to keep things real. i don't like masks. i don't like pretenses. i don't like playing emotional games.
i look in the mirror and see all the bags and sags and the belly bulge and the thunder thighs and the badonkadonk and struggle with feeling beautiful. and i also see the insecurities staring back at me. i thought that with getting older - i would be more confident, more sure of myself, more ready to take on the world by storm. maybe this is how the emotions work during the menopausal phase of life. i really don't know - i feel like i'm a limp reed blowing in the wind with no backbone anymore. i don't want to exercise, i don't want to work, i don't want to do what it takes to get involved.
i do know that Jeremiah the prophet felt the same way so many times....maybe not with the bags and sags but with his insecurities and questions and lack of confidence. while on vacation the past 2 weeks - i have read the book "Run With The Horses" by Eugene Peterson (the guy who translated the Message). it is an expose on Jeremiah - very in depth, very thought provoking, very inspiring.
Jeremiah 12:5 - "So, Jeremiah, if you're worn out in this footrace with men, what makes you think you can race against horses? and if you can't keep your wits during times of calm, what's going to happen when troubles break loose like the Jordan in flood?" A question that he wrestled with God through much of his life. Great book to read.
i know that i have many flaws and cracks but as in the Japanese culture - they fill flawed and cracked vessels with gold so the vessels become even more valuable - so it is with God. the scars are there but they make me even more beautiful to behold. i love my scars because they are reminders of the restoration miracles that God has done in my life and of His immense love for me. and He infuses my cracks and flaws with breath from His very being and i can run with the horses. i can jump over walls. i can scale mountains.
thanks for reading my musings.
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