This morning as I left the Farmer's Market around 8.30am and was driving home, I spotted an eagle flying over the river. It was such a majestic sight, although I couldn't stare at it too long, cuz I was driving. It was flying low enough that I was able to catch sight of the span of it's wings. It was amazing to watch as it soared above the water and I realized that it didn't need to flap very often - just once or twice as I watched - that's how strong it's wings are.
All day long as I did some chores around the house, cooked and baked in the kitchen, I caught myself thinking about that sight. And I kept thinking about how that eagle trusted in the strength of his wings and the air current to carry it and wasn't frantically flapping them.
I had planned on finishing this and posting it the same day that I started it. But I was hijacked by other things, so here I am after a 2 mile walk in the sunshine and beauty of a warmish January day.
One of the past couple mornings, I was reflecting and meditating on the goodness of God over the past couple of weeks as I have ventured into new areas of life and new adventures, He gave me 3 words that are for this new year.
TRUST LEAP RISK
Those are some very impressive and scary and daunting words. But I truly believe that I had to let go of something good to grab hold of the "something" better. In order to walk in this new "something" requires a lot of trust and a whole lot of risk and perhaps even some blind leaping.
I feel I have just scratched the surface of what awaits me this year. I have this goose bumpy, hair raising anticipation for what's coming down the road. Or maybe what and where this road that I'm just beginning on will take me.
I do have full confidence in the REALITY AND TRUTH that God is there every step of the way - even when it looks as if the next step is a blind one.
To bring me back to the eagle and the soaring and the not frantically flapping. I WILL soar as on wings of eagles. I WILL trust the air current of Holy Spirit in my life - His breath on and in me. His whispers of direction with each step I take and each life that He brings to me for blessing and ministry. I can't wait to see what adventure this is and where it's going to take me.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Feeling At Peace
I was reminded this week by finding out that one of the situations that I was so devastated by, that God actually was protecting me from a poisonous situation. I had no idea. All I could see and feel and hear was that once again, I was the victim of someone else's issues. Always, Always, Always - God brings beauty from the ugly. It's so difficult to see any beauty in the midst of a betrayal, a loss, a misunderstanding, an accusation or whatever else I tend to experience from someone else's issues. The choice that I have had these past 6 months, the choice that God continued to bring me back to was do I choose to be the victim or do I choose to let God be my Defender, my Redeemer, my Salvation, my Champion. When I choose to allow Him to be Who He is - I am no longer a victim. I would get lost up in the hurt, the pain, the devastation and forget. But ever so gently, He would bring me back to Who He is for me and allow me to choose another way. Being the victim always brings drama and emotional roller coaster rides. I hate that feeling of being out of control, of being taken where I don't want to go. But that is the way of the victim - always being led around by emotions and what others are saying and doing to me.
This morning, I look back over the 6 months and realize that the fog has lifted. I see things more clearly now, the sun shines on the places and images that were once shrouded in shadows. I am beginning to see the healing take place. I am no longer angry, no longer in such pain as I was before. I will continue to choose life. I will continue to choose peace. I will continue to believe the best in people. I will continue to move forward with joy and confidence. Because I KNOW that He has my back. He will always be for me and not against me. And if He is ever before me and behind me and at my side - What and Who can not harm me. Because my eyes are on Him and on Who He is.
I know because I am human that I will forget, that I will get blindsided, that I will stumble and lose my way. That is just the way of human nature and my God knows that. He knows the humanity within me even better than I know myself. But hopefully, I am stronger because of what I went through. Hopefully, I am more confident in Who God is within me. It is by His Strength that I can hold my head high.
This morning, I look back over the 6 months and realize that the fog has lifted. I see things more clearly now, the sun shines on the places and images that were once shrouded in shadows. I am beginning to see the healing take place. I am no longer angry, no longer in such pain as I was before. I will continue to choose life. I will continue to choose peace. I will continue to believe the best in people. I will continue to move forward with joy and confidence. Because I KNOW that He has my back. He will always be for me and not against me. And if He is ever before me and behind me and at my side - What and Who can not harm me. Because my eyes are on Him and on Who He is.
I know because I am human that I will forget, that I will get blindsided, that I will stumble and lose my way. That is just the way of human nature and my God knows that. He knows the humanity within me even better than I know myself. But hopefully, I am stronger because of what I went through. Hopefully, I am more confident in Who God is within me. It is by His Strength that I can hold my head high.
Friday, January 12, 2018
What Do I Fear?
I'm not generally a fearful person. But this morning as I was sitting and quieting my heart, I began to ask myself some questions and I heard the Lord asking me what it is that I fear.
You see, I've been experimenting over the years and sticking my toes into the water and trying my hand at some things but never fully committing to anything. Not fully jumping in head first. Always just skirting around making something legit and always trying to stay under the radar. And.....hence the questions. Because once again, I'm putting my toes in the water and trying to feel the temperature before I fully commit to it all.
And that is what I want and love to do with food. I've done cake decorating before. Heck, I had a wedding catering home business for 5 years. That was about 15 years ago. But just when, it really started to take off and I was seeing a profit, I got skittish because I was getting to the point where I needed to get a legit, certified, health department standard kitchen and at the time, we were not financially able to pull it off, so I quit. And...I allowed one discouraging situation to side line me.
While I worked at the hospital and clinic - I put myself out there for baked goods and sold them. But only through word of mouth and once again out of my own kitchen and thus not totally committing myself. And that was 5-10 years ago.
So, here I am once again, at another point in time looking at and having a passion and vision to start something up again. And it has to do with food. So, do I once again - just dabble and check the safety with my toes or do I fully dive in? I don't have financial woes to be my excuse. I don't have raising children as my excuse, so the question is what in the world is stopping me?
*Fear of failure. If I don't put myself out there in the public eye - then it doesn't matter if I fail
*Fear of commitment - seriously, I want to be free with my time. I'm not naive about a retail food business to know what kind of time commitment it is.
*Fear of not having what it takes to pull it off
So there, I'm putting my fears out there - I'm being transparent and vulnerable and honest with where I'm at. Now, I have to deal with it.
Let's see where this takes me. "Never let your fear decide your future". I will NOT allow fear to sideline me once again. I will NOT allow fear to control my life or my choices.
I do want to be smart and count the cost of what this will take and that is what I'm doing. I'm talking with smart people and business minded people.
I'm in for an adventure and I'm well on my way - I will keep you all posted.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me.
You see, I've been experimenting over the years and sticking my toes into the water and trying my hand at some things but never fully committing to anything. Not fully jumping in head first. Always just skirting around making something legit and always trying to stay under the radar. And.....hence the questions. Because once again, I'm putting my toes in the water and trying to feel the temperature before I fully commit to it all.
And that is what I want and love to do with food. I've done cake decorating before. Heck, I had a wedding catering home business for 5 years. That was about 15 years ago. But just when, it really started to take off and I was seeing a profit, I got skittish because I was getting to the point where I needed to get a legit, certified, health department standard kitchen and at the time, we were not financially able to pull it off, so I quit. And...I allowed one discouraging situation to side line me.
While I worked at the hospital and clinic - I put myself out there for baked goods and sold them. But only through word of mouth and once again out of my own kitchen and thus not totally committing myself. And that was 5-10 years ago.
So, here I am once again, at another point in time looking at and having a passion and vision to start something up again. And it has to do with food. So, do I once again - just dabble and check the safety with my toes or do I fully dive in? I don't have financial woes to be my excuse. I don't have raising children as my excuse, so the question is what in the world is stopping me?
*Fear of failure. If I don't put myself out there in the public eye - then it doesn't matter if I fail
*Fear of commitment - seriously, I want to be free with my time. I'm not naive about a retail food business to know what kind of time commitment it is.
*Fear of not having what it takes to pull it off
So there, I'm putting my fears out there - I'm being transparent and vulnerable and honest with where I'm at. Now, I have to deal with it.
Let's see where this takes me. "Never let your fear decide your future". I will NOT allow fear to sideline me once again. I will NOT allow fear to control my life or my choices.
I do want to be smart and count the cost of what this will take and that is what I'm doing. I'm talking with smart people and business minded people.
I'm in for an adventure and I'm well on my way - I will keep you all posted.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
New Adventure???
As most of you know, if you follow me on a regular basis, is that I have given my notice to the school system and I have declined the job offer with the hospital. It all has come to a climax this past week, really just in the last several days. I had been offered a 40 hr/week from 5am-1.30pm position as a tray line cook in the hospital kitchen, specifically fixing trays for patients. I had been in conversation with the director and manager there for a couple of weeks. I even went in to job shadow one day. While all these talks were going on, my feet continued to ache and get stiffer. Which I thought was rather strange, seeing that I was on vacation for 2 weeks. I kept finding myself hesitating about taking on this job. Did I really think that I could do a 40hr/week, 8 hrs/day on my feet again? Did I really want to? I know that I need to bring in x-amount of money to help us pay for our trips to see our kids. And then I received the call from HR which totally threw the basket up in the air and nothing came down into the basket the way that it was. They were describing a different job description and hours and then when I asked them the pay - it wasn't even close to what I was hoping for or expecting. So then, I began to get down on myself. "No one wants to pay me for what I'm worth (on paper)". And then, I began to spiral a tad bit from there down in to the "pity hole" and began to play myself a pity party. The sad thing about these kinds of parties - NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO BE THERE. I try to get people to come to my party and they may for a quick "drink" but then they quickly find something better to do. LOL
I was out filling my bird feeders and having it out with God. The great thing about God, well, one of the many great things, is that He isn't offended by my rantings or spiralings or yelling or ridiculous sounding whining. And I was doing all of that with Him....."what do you want from me?" "why can't I hear you talking to me?" "why are you so silent?" And all I hear is the crunch of the really really cold snow and myself breathing because of how out of shape I am and how much I'm walking with my bird feeder filling. And it really isn't that much walking - it's just that I'm so out of shape. And then without much fanfare at all, I hear God saying, "what was the last thing I told you to do"? But that was MOOOONTHS ago is what I breathed back to Him. And once again He's silent. The last thing that I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt, way back in August, was that I needed to rest and give myself the space to become a whole person. Resting my mind, my body, my heart, and getting healed and whole in all areas. But haven't I rested enough? Am I not getting lazy? Isn't it time to get up and finally do something productive?
That very afternoon, I meet with a dear friend of mine whose mother has just passed away. She had asked me if I would cater a light lunch for the family after the grave side service. I was all over that. We talked about a good many things. And after a few hours, we went our separate ways. I went to the store to gather the items for making the lunch. All the while, I'm realizing that my heart is opening up, that I've stopped whining, that I'm actually joyful.
After my dearest darling husband gets home from work - I tell him the story of the the hospital and then I also tell him of my meeting with my friend and the lunch and all that I'm making and how my mom is still in town and she's going to help me and my sister is coming to chop vegetables for me.
He proceeds to tell me that he thinks I just need to take it slow and not rush into anything. Take the time that's needed to figure out what it is that I want to do, that God wants me to do. And then, he tells me that he just received a substantial raise at his job. WHAT???? WOW!!!!!
The morning of the funeral, my sister, my mom and I are prepping the food and talking and all the while, I realize this is what my heart really wants to do. Small, community, ministry, homemade, real stuff. Mom and I take the food and serve it and mingle with the family. My heart is over the top - this is what it's all about. Connecting with people and ministering to them over food that is made with love and care.
My mind is racing and finally connecting with my heart. My heart is opening to all of the ideas that I have and not had the time and space to truly think it all through. I have a heart and a passion to teach people how to cook wholesome, healthy, homemade and inexpensive meals for themselves and families. I have a heart and a passion for those who are struggling to make ends meet in our community. I have a heart and a passion to offer my services to make meals for those families, elderly, single parents who have no desire to cook or have no time to cook or who are not able to cook for themselves. I have a heart and a passion to utilize community growers and farmers. I want to see people come in and either fix themselves a meal for free or for $ to take a meal to go to fix at home with clear instructions or just to throw something into the microwave that's already been cooked. Or to share an experience with friends and/or family over fixing a good meal and then sharing it together.
"Rainy Day Meals" - I love rainy days. There are always days where nothing ever goes right, there are days when all you want to do is come home and curl up and not move except to get something out of the freezer and in to the oven. And know that whatever you are eating - will be healthy, made with love, wholesome and downright tasty!
So.....what's next???? Stay tuned...........All I know is that good things happen around food. And I need to continue to rest, to get my body, heart and mind healthy - and that is where the adventure is for me. I do know for sure that all this stirring up of my heart is part of the healthy restful journey that I'm on.
I was out filling my bird feeders and having it out with God. The great thing about God, well, one of the many great things, is that He isn't offended by my rantings or spiralings or yelling or ridiculous sounding whining. And I was doing all of that with Him....."what do you want from me?" "why can't I hear you talking to me?" "why are you so silent?" And all I hear is the crunch of the really really cold snow and myself breathing because of how out of shape I am and how much I'm walking with my bird feeder filling. And it really isn't that much walking - it's just that I'm so out of shape. And then without much fanfare at all, I hear God saying, "what was the last thing I told you to do"? But that was MOOOONTHS ago is what I breathed back to Him. And once again He's silent. The last thing that I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt, way back in August, was that I needed to rest and give myself the space to become a whole person. Resting my mind, my body, my heart, and getting healed and whole in all areas. But haven't I rested enough? Am I not getting lazy? Isn't it time to get up and finally do something productive?
That very afternoon, I meet with a dear friend of mine whose mother has just passed away. She had asked me if I would cater a light lunch for the family after the grave side service. I was all over that. We talked about a good many things. And after a few hours, we went our separate ways. I went to the store to gather the items for making the lunch. All the while, I'm realizing that my heart is opening up, that I've stopped whining, that I'm actually joyful.
After my dearest darling husband gets home from work - I tell him the story of the the hospital and then I also tell him of my meeting with my friend and the lunch and all that I'm making and how my mom is still in town and she's going to help me and my sister is coming to chop vegetables for me.
He proceeds to tell me that he thinks I just need to take it slow and not rush into anything. Take the time that's needed to figure out what it is that I want to do, that God wants me to do. And then, he tells me that he just received a substantial raise at his job. WHAT???? WOW!!!!!
The morning of the funeral, my sister, my mom and I are prepping the food and talking and all the while, I realize this is what my heart really wants to do. Small, community, ministry, homemade, real stuff. Mom and I take the food and serve it and mingle with the family. My heart is over the top - this is what it's all about. Connecting with people and ministering to them over food that is made with love and care.
My mind is racing and finally connecting with my heart. My heart is opening to all of the ideas that I have and not had the time and space to truly think it all through. I have a heart and a passion to teach people how to cook wholesome, healthy, homemade and inexpensive meals for themselves and families. I have a heart and a passion for those who are struggling to make ends meet in our community. I have a heart and a passion to offer my services to make meals for those families, elderly, single parents who have no desire to cook or have no time to cook or who are not able to cook for themselves. I have a heart and a passion to utilize community growers and farmers. I want to see people come in and either fix themselves a meal for free or for $ to take a meal to go to fix at home with clear instructions or just to throw something into the microwave that's already been cooked. Or to share an experience with friends and/or family over fixing a good meal and then sharing it together.
"Rainy Day Meals" - I love rainy days. There are always days where nothing ever goes right, there are days when all you want to do is come home and curl up and not move except to get something out of the freezer and in to the oven. And know that whatever you are eating - will be healthy, made with love, wholesome and downright tasty!
So.....what's next???? Stay tuned...........All I know is that good things happen around food. And I need to continue to rest, to get my body, heart and mind healthy - and that is where the adventure is for me. I do know for sure that all this stirring up of my heart is part of the healthy restful journey that I'm on.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
New Peace, New Joy
This morning, I have found the twinges of a rejuvenation of my peace and joy. It has been so long, since I've really and truly felt something besides hurt, betrayal, fear and anger. Everything that I knew to do to combat those negative emotions, seemed to fall short of all that I've been grieving.
On top of the grieving of the loss of seasons - has been the loss of a job that I held dear to the very core of my heart. I wasn't told to leave but I knew that it was time for me to leave. And when I did leave, I felt that I had to leave with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs. Instead of celebrating what God had done in and through me in my interactions with beloved people, I felt a total sense of shame. I went through all the phases of loss and even went through the acceptance phase of accepting lies about myself that just are not true. Even though I would tell myself those are lies and I tried to not let them penetrate - I did not have the energy or strength to stop them all together and they began to wear away on my spirit, like water eventually wears away the edges of rocks.
This morning for the first time in a long time, I feel the inklings of joy and peace. My heart has just not been feeling at all, at least on the surface. I know there are deep waters churning in my soul and at times would surface as a torrential tsunami. Then it would ebb and yet I know it is all still there.
I know beyond any shadow of doubt that My God is for me and not against me. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He is looking out for my best. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He holds me close until this storm passes on by. I know that He values me and my contributions even when I don't feel validated or recognized by people in leadership roles. I know that, that really and truly doesn't matter, that it doesn't hold any eternal value, what people think, believe or say that I am or that I do or have done. The eternal value is what the God of the Universe, the God who made me so intricately and delicately and passionately believes who I am and actually created who I am - so He really and truly knows me best and to that end......I please Him and no other. I can walk in freedom and confidence with my head held high. I hold on to these truths desperately even when I know that I have no strength to hold on anymore - He holds on to me and will NEVER let me go. Even when I stumble and fall - He is holding on to me and I KNOW that my falls or stumbles will NEVER be out of His grasp. When I stop looking into His eyes that's when I end up stumbling. So my gaze will continue to be on His eyes and His heart for me.
And all of that brings the beginnings of joy and peace to my heart and mind and soul. It truly is the beginning of NEWNESS!!!
On top of the grieving of the loss of seasons - has been the loss of a job that I held dear to the very core of my heart. I wasn't told to leave but I knew that it was time for me to leave. And when I did leave, I felt that I had to leave with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs. Instead of celebrating what God had done in and through me in my interactions with beloved people, I felt a total sense of shame. I went through all the phases of loss and even went through the acceptance phase of accepting lies about myself that just are not true. Even though I would tell myself those are lies and I tried to not let them penetrate - I did not have the energy or strength to stop them all together and they began to wear away on my spirit, like water eventually wears away the edges of rocks.
This morning for the first time in a long time, I feel the inklings of joy and peace. My heart has just not been feeling at all, at least on the surface. I know there are deep waters churning in my soul and at times would surface as a torrential tsunami. Then it would ebb and yet I know it is all still there.
I know beyond any shadow of doubt that My God is for me and not against me. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He is looking out for my best. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He holds me close until this storm passes on by. I know that He values me and my contributions even when I don't feel validated or recognized by people in leadership roles. I know that, that really and truly doesn't matter, that it doesn't hold any eternal value, what people think, believe or say that I am or that I do or have done. The eternal value is what the God of the Universe, the God who made me so intricately and delicately and passionately believes who I am and actually created who I am - so He really and truly knows me best and to that end......I please Him and no other. I can walk in freedom and confidence with my head held high. I hold on to these truths desperately even when I know that I have no strength to hold on anymore - He holds on to me and will NEVER let me go. Even when I stumble and fall - He is holding on to me and I KNOW that my falls or stumbles will NEVER be out of His grasp. When I stop looking into His eyes that's when I end up stumbling. So my gaze will continue to be on His eyes and His heart for me.
And all of that brings the beginnings of joy and peace to my heart and mind and soul. It truly is the beginning of NEWNESS!!!
Monday, January 1, 2018
New Year, New Adventures, New Slate, New Job, New......
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
2018 - This is something from the future. We are living in "back to the future". These numbers are crazy when I think of a lot of the futuristic movies from back in the 80's. We are almost to 2020.....wow.
2017 - was a difficult year for me personally and yet it was full of life and adventure. It was an eventful year to say the least.
This year, from the very beginning, I begin a new job. I will be working in the Goshen Hospital kitchen as a tray line cook for the patients. I am looking forward to the possibilities that await me here. I believe I can grow and be challenged here.
This year, I will continue to allow myself to become a healthier me; physically and emotionally. I will continue to learn what it means to truly rest. I will continue to pursue a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Hero, my Lord, my Redeemer. I will continue to marvel at how He takes the ugly and creates intense and incredible beauty in the midst of it.
I am excited to see where this year will take me. I am excited to see who I will become this year.
It's gotta be better than last year and yet as I say that - even in the midst of all the ugly and difficulty, I have learned many things and in the midst of letting go - I have gained much.
2018 - This is something from the future. We are living in "back to the future". These numbers are crazy when I think of a lot of the futuristic movies from back in the 80's. We are almost to 2020.....wow.
2017 - was a difficult year for me personally and yet it was full of life and adventure. It was an eventful year to say the least.
This year, from the very beginning, I begin a new job. I will be working in the Goshen Hospital kitchen as a tray line cook for the patients. I am looking forward to the possibilities that await me here. I believe I can grow and be challenged here.
This year, I will continue to allow myself to become a healthier me; physically and emotionally. I will continue to learn what it means to truly rest. I will continue to pursue a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Hero, my Lord, my Redeemer. I will continue to marvel at how He takes the ugly and creates intense and incredible beauty in the midst of it.
I am excited to see where this year will take me. I am excited to see who I will become this year.
It's gotta be better than last year and yet as I say that - even in the midst of all the ugly and difficulty, I have learned many things and in the midst of letting go - I have gained much.
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