This morning, I have found the twinges of a rejuvenation of my peace and joy. It has been so long, since I've really and truly felt something besides hurt, betrayal, fear and anger. Everything that I knew to do to combat those negative emotions, seemed to fall short of all that I've been grieving.
On top of the grieving of the loss of seasons - has been the loss of a job that I held dear to the very core of my heart. I wasn't told to leave but I knew that it was time for me to leave. And when I did leave, I felt that I had to leave with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs. Instead of celebrating what God had done in and through me in my interactions with beloved people, I felt a total sense of shame. I went through all the phases of loss and even went through the acceptance phase of accepting lies about myself that just are not true. Even though I would tell myself those are lies and I tried to not let them penetrate - I did not have the energy or strength to stop them all together and they began to wear away on my spirit, like water eventually wears away the edges of rocks.
This morning for the first time in a long time, I feel the inklings of joy and peace. My heart has just not been feeling at all, at least on the surface. I know there are deep waters churning in my soul and at times would surface as a torrential tsunami. Then it would ebb and yet I know it is all still there.
I know beyond any shadow of doubt that My God is for me and not against me. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He is looking out for my best. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He holds me close until this storm passes on by. I know that He values me and my contributions even when I don't feel validated or recognized by people in leadership roles. I know that, that really and truly doesn't matter, that it doesn't hold any eternal value, what people think, believe or say that I am or that I do or have done. The eternal value is what the God of the Universe, the God who made me so intricately and delicately and passionately believes who I am and actually created who I am - so He really and truly knows me best and to that end......I please Him and no other. I can walk in freedom and confidence with my head held high. I hold on to these truths desperately even when I know that I have no strength to hold on anymore - He holds on to me and will NEVER let me go. Even when I stumble and fall - He is holding on to me and I KNOW that my falls or stumbles will NEVER be out of His grasp. When I stop looking into His eyes that's when I end up stumbling. So my gaze will continue to be on His eyes and His heart for me.
And all of that brings the beginnings of joy and peace to my heart and mind and soul. It truly is the beginning of NEWNESS!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment