Motherhood - Daughters

My heart is so full and content when I think of my girls. When I was a little girl - all I wanted to do was be a mom.  But that was what was expected of me and I just thought that's what every girl does - get married and raise a family.

Little did I realize how selfish I really was. I had a fairly good notion that I was - but not until I had children did all that selfishness rise to the surface. They stole my sleep. They stole my hot food. They stole my smokin' hot body (well, i never really had that - i am rather short and squatty). They stole my movie watching time. They stole all the time I had to myself. They stole my bathroom alone time. They stole what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. And most of all THEY STOLE MY HEART!!

I am also a very impatient woman. I want it done my way. I want it done like yesterday. When I want to do something - I want to do it NOW!  Doesn't sound like I make a very mom and there were quite a few days when I'd agree with you.

As I look back down memory lane - especially with downsizing and going through a lot of things I've collected over the years that my girls made me or gave me or have attached memories of them on those things; I realize that those times when I felt like an utterly complete failure as a mom - I think of all the joy that they have brought to my life instead.

My failures diminish quickly when I look at my beautiful girls. They are beautiful inside and out. They love life. They take life by storm. They don't allow life to pass them by. They have been uprooted from the comforts of their home to live in India for 3 years with us. They've all been on mission trips after completing high school. They've all been through bad boyfriends and now have amazing husbands. They've been through friendship betrayals. They've watched their parents go through many disappointments and struggles. They have learned life lessons that go beyond what their parents have taught them. They challenge their father and I with their life experiences and choices and their belief systems that have changed because of all the stuff that has come through in their generation. They are kind to people. They are respectful to others. I have many people tell me that I have incredibly kind girls. The reality is that they like being with us. They like having us around. They like us being part of their lives. They like having conversations with us about the deep things of life. They like to laugh with us and at us. So we must have done a few things right.

Life is good - family life continues to morph with each new season that comes along. I continue to try and keep up emotionally and mentally. For someone who struggled with feeling that I was not good at motherhood - they turned out really well in spite of me. =)

I am so freakin' proud of them. My heart swells when I think of them. Tears fall when the reality hits me that they are not with me much anymore. Most days are better. Some days memories steal down my face and I am learning to be ok with that. I am learning to lean into the emotion and the sadness. I am learning to take every moment of joy that I have in my memories and the few times that we have being physically with them. Also learning to enjoy the internet moments as well. Facetime, What'sapp, Skype are technologies that have been saving my life during this time.

Youngest......BUT.....Never Least

Meet Carmen: My feisty, energetic, full of imagination, youngest daughter. My daughter who brings light and laughter into any setting she walks into. She is my extreme daughter. She can send you into a belly ache from laughing so hard and in the next moment have you crying from her angelic voice God has gifted her with as she sings her heart. In everything she does - she puts her whole self into. There is no in between with her. There is no half-hearted with her. She's either in or she's out.  She can find laughter in the smallest of happenings. She will make an ordinary errand into a grand event. She is my drama queen. She is my song bird. She is my baby girl - always will be.

Being the youngest child with 4 years between her and her sisters - she ended up doing many things alone. She had a vivid imagination as a little girl. She could be seen riding her bike up the street being the bad guy chased by the cops and riding back down the street being the cop chasing the bad guy that she was earlier. She was also the little girl who would smear mud all over her skin cuz she wanted to be black. She also would sprinkle sand on her face pretending that it was pixie dust. She could make stories out of the simplest of objects. If we were sitting in the restaurant waiting on food - she would take the sugar and creamer packets and make up stories and by the time she was finished - we would all be laughing. She had no fear.  I would find myself gasping for air as she would explore the heights of a tree or climbing over huge rocks above.  She took our time of living in India by storm. Everyone around us knew us as Carmen's family.

During her high school years - her sisters were beginning to leave home for one reason or another. She would often sit on the kitchen counter and tell me the exploits of the day while I would be getting dinner ready. Those are some of my favorite memories with her. Those were precious times.

Now as a wife and mommy, she continues to take a hold of life and make it her own. She is fierce in her love and in her beliefs. She will fight for what's right with all of her being.  I am so proud of the way that she steps into situations with full confidence in who she is and in the God who created her.  She is never afraid to explore a new situation or a new experience. She now lives in The Netherlands with her little family.  She faces  her fears, disappointments and struggles with reality and determination. She is not afraid to adapt to her surroundings and at the same time maintain her identity. I love watching her being a mommy. She has given us 2 beautiful, adorable grandsons. She mothers them with humor, imagination and a fierce love and devotion.

Carmen has taught me to love life and to live it to the fullest potential. She has taught me to enjoy each moment. She has taught me to find joy and laughter in the smallest of things. She is the one who has been my inspiration for stepping out of my comfort zone in many areas of life. She continues to bring light and laughter into her situations - whatever they may be.

The Middlest Sistah

Meet Krista - from the moment of her conception - she has kept me on my toes. =)  She is the unexpected and I have learned to love the unexpected in her. She loves to laugh and her laugh is contagious and comes from the very depths of her being. Being the middle sister - one would have thought that she would be a "middle of the road" kinda child - but NO......the middle of the road is not for her. She will always take the road less traveled. She loves the off beaten track. She will delve into the unknown. She is an "old" soul. She loves all things "retro". She sets the trend and has the artistic flair to pull it off with confidence. She has no patience for nonsense. And yet, she loves to have fun, she loves surprises, she loves to be spontaneous, she loves being with friends and yet loves her solitude as well. She loves being goofy. She loves the thrill of the ride. She will have friends wherever she goes.

She was not always so confident - she was a very shy little girl. She hid behind my skirts. She held my hand more often than her sisters. She would sit on my lap everywhere we went. She would ride on her daddy's shoulders all the time - if she could. She was a mommy's girl from the very start. She was my cuddle bug. It has been a joy to watch her grow and become this confident woman who loves God with all of her heart and explores His Heart for Justice. She loves Truth and Fairness and Right. She is one that cannot nor will not allow injustice to prevail. You will always want her on your side fighting for a cause. She really should be a defense attorney. =)

She continues to challenge my reasoning and my way of thinking. Which sometimes, drives me crazy but it's good for me. She has helped me to not take everything for granted or to allow lazy thinking.
She has been a confidant for me over the years. She is one that will love to sit and just talk.  I love the depths of her heart. She loves to debate and dialogue the issues of the day, theology or anything that requires the deep things in life. I love her presence. I love her companionship. I  love being goofy with her. I love that she loves to cook and be creative in her cooking. She's almost as good as me in the kitchen.....;) I love that she loves her family and loves being with us. I love that she wants us to move out to California with them. I love that she's proud to be with her parents.

I also love that she has found a man who truly loves her and encourages her uniqueness and yet is strong enough in who he is to love her intensity and yet be able to quiet her spirit. I love seeing the two of them together. They love life and love living life to the fullest. There is never a dull moment with the two of them around. .

My Eldest Daughter

Meet Hannah - I love this picture of the both of us.  She is my eldest daughter. She is tenacious, fun loving, loves fantasy, she is one of the most loyal people I know (other than her father), she has the biggest heart. She is a rare treasure, she loves people for who they are with no strings attached. she loves without questions. She is an animal lover especially cats and horses. She is smart as a whip. She is a straight A student. In college, she was on the Dean's list for all of her 6? years. She graduated last year in May.

When she was about 10 years old - she purchased a horse. For as long as I can remember she had always wished that she could have a horse. Luckily for her, she had a great uncle that raised horses and he gave her a really good deal. We told her that if she could raise half the money needed - we would cover the other half. She began to bake her little heart out. She babysat, she did chores, she cleaned for her grandma. She kicked butt and at the end of just a few months - she had a horse in our little barn. That is how tenacious she is. When she wants something, really wants something - she doesn't let anything stand in her way.

She has had a lot of bumps and bruises in her life. She has faced many friendship challenges, she has faced numerous emotional challenges. I have seen her at her lowest and I have seen her riding the high waves. I am afraid that being the eldest child - she was our learning curve. And just before we had this parenting thing figured out - she went and changed on us. She has helped me to learn to really listen to someone's heart. She helped me as a mom to figure out how to let her be her without expectation of how and who I thought she needed to be. She has been the recipient of her mom trying to figure things out and missing the mark a lot. And for that I'm truly grateful that she still loves me and wants to be with me.

She has grown incredibly as a person in the last couple of years. She has taken life by the horns and admitted where she has failed, she has learned to accept herself for who God created and is learning to love herself.  She challenges me every day - to love without any judgement. She has taught me patience and endurance. She has taught me to not back down from who I am. She is one of my loudest cheerleaders.

In June she will be married 1 year to her gentle, "Panda".  It has been a joy to watch their love mature into commitment and hard work. Together, they have faced many challenges but they are rising to the top.  Her father and I are very proud of both of them.

Exhausted BUT Truly Satisfied

Steve and I have talked about downsizing for quite some time but it was all just talk until we took the plunge and had a realtor come out and give us an honest assessment. Once we realized that we could get at least money enough for a down payment - the wheels began turning and then it began to run downhill so fast - we were both trying hard to keep up with it. So we decided to slow things down and take our time with this life transition. This is an emotionally charged move as I talked about in my last blog. So I am emotionally drained just with this but slowing things down has helped me to relax and I really want to enjoy this process. I want to have the time to look through my things and remember.

The other satisfied exhaustion is my job.  It truly has me exhausted all the time but my heart and soul is at peace, satisfied and at rest. I love each person that comes into my dining room whether it's for a cup of coffee and a doughnut or coming in for lunch or sometimes they just come in to grab a "cup to go".  Most every person I know by name and have had numerous conversations with. Many of them have blessed my heart in so many ways. They help taking out the trash, wiping down the tables, putting the chairs up, wrapping silverware, sweeping, mopping, washing dishes.  Some of them have helped serve in the lunch line. Some have helped to prep the food or clean my shelves or walls. Some of them don't do anything except brighten up my day with their smiles, "thank yous", jokes, dancing, singing and some don't do anything except sit there and partake of what is set before them.

Each person is filled with destiny, purpose, design, individuality and a piece of the Image of God. They have value as they take their place in the universe. Some of them struggle with addictions; many struggle with emotional, mental and social disorders. Many struggle with their identity and knowing that they have destiny, purpose, design, value and LOVE. A number of them come because they're so very lonely and have found a "family" in my dining room. And there are some that come because the food is so astoundingly good!

They are my heroes. Yep, I have seen so many of them struggle to make it through to the next day and yet they do. I have seen some of them conquer their addictions and take one day at a time as they succeed each day. One gal, has just celebrated 180 days sober and clean!!!  That is an awesome accomplishment. She wants her daughters to be proud of her and she wants them back in her life.  She is now helping me in the kitchen one day a week. One older gentleman struggles with deep depression. He has given me permission to ask him every day that I see him "what is one thing you're thankful for today". Now, his list is a whole list of things.  There is a light in his eyes and a spring in his step. He engages with people at the table instead of going into the corner and eating with his head down.  I have one gal right now that is struggling with anxiety about leaving her home and being around people. She really wants to get out so she is taking one step at a time and helping in the kitchen for 1-2 hrs a week. I know of people living out in tents during the cold winter  months - I know I couldn't do it yet they do and still are able to have a smile on their faces. Yes, these heroes of mine most days put me to shame as I realize the things that I complain about are things that are luxuries for them.

I end my days with tired, sore feet and a stiff neck and a sore back - I come home grab a cup of coffee, sit down at my computer in the comfort of my warm cozy home and relax. Most evenings, I have my feet up in my recliner as I watch tv or read. And then I lay down to sleep in a cozy bed. Most of them don't have these things. They sleep on someone else's sofa or a blanket on the floor - if they're lucky to find a good person that lets them inside. Some have no chairs so they sit on the floor - some don't have dishes to cook with or to eat with. And the list goes on.  Yet, they continue to strive to make it each and every day. Yes, a few of them are lazy and just don't want to get a job. Some really don't have it within them mentally, emotionally or socially to hold down a regular job. Some have truly fallen on hard times for one reason or another and struggle to get back up again.

Each and everyone of us makes mistakes and bad choices and sometimes the consequences of those bad choices send us on down a road we never intended to take. We all have bad days. Many of us are living paycheck to paycheck and if something catastrophic would happen - could lose everything. I know my heart and my intent is to love without judgement. "But for the Grace of God, go I".  It is not our responsibility to judge. It is however, our responsibility to love first God with ALL of our hearts, souls and minds AND to love our neighbor as ourselves. That's it!!!!!  I am continuing to learn that life is more fun, more simple, less complicated - if I leave the judging to God and just concentrate on loving. Love is action, Love is firm, Love is a force to be reckoned with. Love will put out fires, Love will conquer hate and violence. Love is the strongest force in the universe.

Ok I'm done!  I could go on but I didn't realize this was getting so long. If you're in the Elkhart/Goshen area - come and see me at The Window and see what God is doing and how He is loving people. There's always a God story there!

Letting Go.......

We are in the middle of getting our house ready to put on the market. Steve is finishing up the bathroom, while I am taking things off the walls, going through cupboards and closets. 

Paring down, downsizing, cutting back,  de-cluttering, etc......all ideas of  letting go.  Sounds rather negative to me as I look at all the things I have accumulated over the 32 years of the making of a home and family. I have had to decide about mementos from places and events that I've held on to for years. Mementos of items passed down from my great-grandparents to grandparents to parents to me and then ask my daughters if they want to continue to pass it on. Mementos of my childhood. Mementos of my dad who was quickly transferred to Glory 20+ years ago. Mementos that may actually have some monetary value.  Mementos of important events in my life. Mementos of places that we've been as a family that I don't want to forget. Mementos of seasons in my life. Mementos of people that have touched my life. 

Some of the decisions have been gut-wrenching, some have been given a little thought, some have taken creative thinking on how I can still have the mementos and yet not have them in my possession and some decisions haven't been difficult at all.

Boxes are beginning to pile up in my living room. Piles of objects going to various places and family members are growing. It's looking like I'm making progress. But then I look around and realize I have a long way to go and need more boxes. 

I have been sentimental, had moments of tears spilling over and down my face as I remember people, events, moments in the objects that I've collected over the years. I have even been watching a very sweet, sappy Hallmark series that has me in tears about every episode. I have not wanted to watch something this sappy for a very long time and I realize that it is the state of  my heart right now. 

On the happier side of things; I am ready for change, I am ready to become a little less tethered to the things of this world, I am ready to be able to pick up and go when needed or wanted. 

I am actually looking forward to letting go of more SO THAT I can embrace the new. I am not able to grab hold of the future when my hands are so full of the past. 

Winds of Change

Since Steve and I are such opposites in virtually every way, it takes a while for us to come to the same conclusion. Once we do though, nothing is impossible, we are unstoppable and things happen.....😏

Last weekend, on a whim, we decided to have a realtor come and look at our house and give us an honest appraisal on how much we could get from it. She would have all the knowledge on our neighborhood, the pulse of the market, the sale-ability of an older, classy house such as this one.

We bought this house in 2004 and a few years later the economy crashed and the value of this house took a nose dive and has been coming back ever so slowly. We don't owe a huge amount but enough to wonder if we would be able to make enough from the sale to put down on another place.

In the mix of all this wondering - we debated and discussed what our next move would be. We really want to get to a warmer climate and perhaps even closer to our daughter out in California. But then we have a daughter in Michigan and don't want to get too far from her and then there's the one in The Netherlands with our 2 grandsons that we want to be closer to.

We have decided that we're going to be around here for at least another 5ish years - so that helped us to make the choice for downsizing. This house is just too big any more for us to want to manage. And, since our kids are no longer in this area close to us - we decided it would be nice to move closer to Goshen, where I work and can bike in more often and closer to my siblings so we don't feel quite so isolated.

One week later, we already looked at a house and practically fell in love with it. It is so very small, less than 1000 sq feet....hahahaha. Basically it's the size of our main living area in this house. We have put an offer down contingent on the sale of our house because we still have work to do here to be able to put it on the market. This weekend.....Steve has already gutted the downstairs bathroom (which he intended to do anyway).  I have begun the downsizing process of all my dishes and knick-knacks and odds and ends that are just taking up space. It's rather overwhelming to think of all the stuff that we have on 4 levels now and compressing all that to one main level. The little house has a pull down ladder to an attic, a crawl space and a one car garage. So not a whole lot of place to put things for storage. Steve and I will have to get used to not having a lot of space between us. We shall see how that works - it works for camping but not sure about day in and day out. 😜But this little place is in a great location and has lots of potential. It is move in ready with some work to do on the outside but that can be done as we go along. I don't want to share the link because I don't want anyone to buy it out from us. hehehe

We are on the move..............well at least the beginning of a move.  I'm excited, a tad bit overwhelmed but more excited. I'm already picturing us being there - where our stuff will go - what I'm going to take there with us. I'm talking as if it's already ours......But that's just how I roll - always on to the next thing.