No Comparison

This was one of this weeks' morning views. I love how I can see the results of the sun shining but not actually the sun. Even behind the clouds, the sun shines and the clouds make it a beautiful painting. I don't always see the promise but I do see the results of the promise. I see the beauty of the promise. I see the out-linings of the promise. I know the promise is there because of what I see and I believe that what He has promised will come to pass. I may never see the fullness in this life here on earth. This life here on earth is only temporary, a passing through, a way station. So, I live this life to the fullest in expectation of the fulfillment of the promise.

On to this past week, I have been somewhat "fretting" on how I need to bring in more business so that I can have more money coming in.  I had a great talk with a successful business man here in town and he gave me some great ideas of steps that I should take. I am planning on seeing those steps through and facing some fears along with that and am a little excited about the results.

Along with the "fretting" has come in the way of watching someone else that has a similar business of mine. I have watched her be over the top successful and have been thinking I should be doing the same. So I begin to spin my wheels and  my mind begins to turn somersaults as I start trying to figure out how I should be doing better.

Friday afternoon, I had an enlightening conversation with my dear, supportive and grounding husband. I was sharing all that I had learned this week and all that I should be doing and the steps I should be taking. He brought me down to earth with words of bringing me back to reality, getting my feet back on the ground. Funny how after all these years and being in my middle 50's - I still compare my life, my walk, my journey with someone else and all of a sudden I become discontent.

My walk, my journey, my life, my experiences are different from anyone else's. The sun shines differently on me than it does someone else. The sun shines but because of my position the shadows fall differently. The rays reflect differently for each of us. My perspective of how the sun shines is my perspective, not anyone else's.

So once again, I am humbled, honored, and once again at rest in my soul. I am me. My life is my life. God is still God. The sun it still shines even behind the clouds. The shadows reflect my position to the sun (Son). And once again, I am blessed. I am blessed to be able to do what I love to do and bless people in the process and bring in enough money for what is needed.

Waiting...Still Waiting.....

Spring says it's here. Spring promises to come. Spring is coming. I see signs of Spring and yet.....is it really here? Winter seems to have trouble releasing it's grip this year. Winter is being selfish and stubborn and being a bully. Winter is not letting Spring have it's turn.

I am anxiously waiting for Spring to reveal itself. I'm getting things ready for the warmth to be here so I can get to my landscaping. I have to start new and fresh and I'm collecting wherever I go so that I'm ready.

Is this kind of like waiting for the return of my King? I see the signs. I hear the promises. It looks like it's time and yet I'm still waiting.  Will I continue to anxiously wait? Will I continue to look forward to the day by getting ready, by being ready, by keeping myself ready? Or will I allow hopelessness and distrust and discouragement creep slowly in until I no longer watch for the signs?

I KNOW that what is promised WILL come to pass. I will NOT allow hopelessness or discouragement or disillusionment to dim my readiness, my watching eyes, my being ready.

Spring will come, maybe this year for only short time but it will come. My KING will come, in fact, He is already here in my heart. So I stand at the ready for Him to reveal Himself in me and through me and to the world.

So Much and yet.....Nothing Much

Right?!?!  Is that what we call an "oxymoron"?  Sometimes I feel like I'm a living oxymoron.  Perhaps I'm not using it in the right context. Perhaps I don't have a full grasp on the meaning of that word. But here's my take on it.

So much is happening and yet there is no see-able movement.  Progress in our health - so much progress and yet on the outside - I can't tell.  My blood pressure is FINALLY getting back into the safe mode. But only I know that. I am losing weight and inches but it's not really noticeable. It's not decreasing fast enough for impatient me. But my clothes fit differently - but only I know that.  Maybe my concept of oxymoron is not correct and more than likely I'm not using it correctly but it seems to fit right now.

A lot is happening in my "business". But no one else can see it. It's not radically noticeable. But....there is money going into the bank - not much - but it is a start. My name is getting out there. I'm still tweaking and trying different things and figuring out how and what I really want this business to be. A lot of it has to do with my health journey and the oxymoron of that for me is that MY HEALTH JOURNEY IS NOT SUCCESSFUL. Well not successful enough to try and make a business out of it. What in the world am I thinking????   How do I really think this is going to go anywhere???  It's also about my journey in finding myself.  In tapping into the creativity that is mine - that I downplay - that I am not confident in because it really doesn't look professional or it doesn't look like it should.  How in the world do I think that this is going to prosper??? What in the world am I thinking??? Am I am a country mouse trying to fit into a professional mouse world? 

So as you can see - much is happening - just nothing much that anyone can see.  I don't have a building that I'm remodeling or a storefront that I'm opening up or....or....or....or.  Most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing. I do know that I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of trying something new. I'm not afraid of bumbling around trying to find my way in the dark. So what am I afraid of?  I am afraid of being seen as a country mouse trying to fit into a city mouse world. I am afraid of not being taken seriously. I am afraid of being like a "nutty professor". 

That's where I am right now in my head. But the much that is happening is that I'm facing these fears and trembling  and sweating and hoping that I'm not getting in over my head and all of a sudden I go under because I can't swim. I have a fear of suffocating, of not being able to breathe.

Breathe in and breathe out. Take one faltering step at a time. Keep holding the Hand of my Master. And today I get to go on a secret mission that I can't disclose right now the details of it. I love secret missions. I love the adventure. I love seeing what this day holds. And that's where I rest. In the confidence that My Master, Savior, Redeemer, Friend and Restorer of Dreams holds my hand and will NEVER let me go. He sees the next step and the next. My confidence grows as I stop looking at the steps and keep my gaze fixed on Him. He knows where He's taking me - even if it is into the depths where I am in over my head!   Lean into the adventure of that!!!!  and see the Oxymoron of life lived fully and freely even when nothing much seems to be happening.

Feeling Small in a Big World

This week, my mother turned her world upside down by falling and splintering her wrist. She will be having surgery to put it back together and will have a "bionic" wrist.

In the process of taking care of business here at home so that I could go up and help her out for a couple of days - my blood pressure spiked and I almost passed out twice as I was finishing up projects to fulfill some obligations. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack. I have been battling high blood pressure for a couple of weeks as I've been changing my eating lifestyle and being very intentional about getting healthy. I have never before experienced an anxiety attack, but I could feel myself getting dizzy and the room started to go a tad bit dark. I talked myself down and reminded myself of what was important to get finished and the other things that weren't so important - it was ok to let them go. I got everything done and we were on the road by that afternoon.

I continued to unwind the further we drove and closer we got to my mom.  We stopped at a gas station to fill up and to stretch our legs and get some food. I found several large items that made me feel small and put into perspective how that anxiety attack made me feel.

No, I did not cheat and eat that "treat". haha......We had a good time with my sweet mama. I cooked some meals for them to have in the freezer, since she only has one hand to work with, while my sister took down all her Christmas decorations and cleaned the bathrooms and did some laundry.

We are hoping to go up there again next week and because of being able to plan ahead - I will circumvent any anxiety attacks that may try to glom onto me. Now I know what it feels like to have one and my heart hurts for those that deal with them on a more regular basis.

My 3 Words

This morning as I'm drinking my glass of fresh, pure, raw juice, I stand and look out the east window at my awe inspiring view. The 3 words that I felt God gave me for this new year came rushing back to my memory.      TRUST     RISK     LEAP

I am constantly being reminded to trust Him, that He Who is Faithful to begin a good work WILL see it through to completion. Trust, that when He says something, no matter what the circumstances say, to trust that what He says still stands. Trust in Who He is, in His Character, in His Trustworthiness, not just flippantly saying "I trust You", but when the rubber meets the road and when it looks as if it's not working out - going back to trusting in Who He IS!!!!

I kept thinking and even telling people that so far I'm not really risking or leaping - just taking baby steps. But that is not true anymore. Both Steve and I have taken a huge LEAP and changed our eating lifestyle drastically. We are choosing to eat plant based foods and juicing.  We are seeing positive results and are actually enjoying food again.

I took a big RISK last week by having business cards made and setting up a Facebook Page for my home cooking business. I am seeing the dividends of  trusting God in His Faithfulness in keeping His Word. By trusting Him that when He says to rest in that trusting - He makes things happen.

I am learning more and more to rest in that trust. I am still impatient and get restless and begin to dabble in trying to make things happen. And each time that I do, it's like God "slaps" my hand and reminds me that I am not resting in Him. I still have a long ways to go in living in the reality that it's not about my performance or lack thereof. It is about what God is doing. When I rest and live in that confidence that God loves me whether or not I perform and there is no measuring stick in His reality of who He's created me to be. A tree doesn't strive to produce leaves and fruit or nuts or whatever it's genre is. It just does. It continues to be a tree and continues to produce as long as it is alive. I am learning to BE who God created me to be and if I live in His reality of confidence and trust and rest - I will produce/perform/do whatever it is that He's created me for.

It's not about me and what I can or cannot do - It's about Him and what He can and will do when I leave the producing and results up to Him.

A Radical New Journey

For the month of March, Steve and I will be changing up our eating lifestyle drastically and radically. After watching numerous documentaries and doing his own research, and basically out of desperation, we have decided to become.....oh...it's....so....hard....to....commit....to....this.....label.....VEGAN.

For Steve especially because he's grown up knowing only meat and potatoes and more meat and dairy and have to eat the meat and it's all about the meats and the dairy to get our protein. You can do your own research and come to your own conclusions but this is ours and we're trying it for at least the month of March and then reevaluate where we are at in regards to our weight, our blood pressures and his cholesterol levels. Something has got to change and we've tried so many other things and it's just not working.

When we lived in India - we were both the healthiest we have ever been - except for Steve's bought with malaria and the "denghi fever".....hahaha  But we ate simple and basic - mostly veggies and legumes and rice and fruit, very little meat. So we know that we can do this - it's just difficult in a culture that highlights meat and dairy as our major sources of protein.

Here's our first dinner:

Yesterday, I was hungry for pico de gallo (i think that's the correct way to spell), so I made some and had it with my organic corn chips.

And then last night, we went out to dinner and we did have only veggies and we were full. This was a a few of the items we had to eat:

Roasted brussel sprouts and  Korean roasted cauliflower and we had hummus and veggies and guacamole and homemade chips.  So I'm thinking we can do this!!!!

Just in a few days - we've noticed changes in our moods, energy levels, sleeping patterns and alertness. So good so far, but it's only a few days into the month. I'll keep you all posted. Steve says, "why are you telling everyone?"  For me - it's because when I put it out there for others to know - it adds a level of accountability. And I'm encouraged already by the response of many who are trying the same thing or who have already changed over and can see much health improvement.
Thanks for caring and supporting us. =)  Happy Eating Everyone and Be Happy and Healthy!

There's A Sun Coming Up

"There's a sun comin' up - in  my soul, Lord in my soul. There's a sun comin' up in my soul, Lord in my soul. I see the light. I see the light." - David Crowder

This song immediately came to mind as I looked out the window and saw the sun peeking through the trees. I was not able to capture it on my phone. But it is there. And it's promising to be a pretty day with warmer temps and the possibility to go on a bike ride or a walk along the MillRace.

After the flooding - the drudgery and depression of seeing all the damage and the cleanup required and the devastation to homes and business and the interruption of life to many in our area. It does make one thankful for what remains.

Thank you Lord that the sun comes up and it's a new day and we look to the Light to bring us hope for the future and anticipation for the adventure of today.

Be blessed today.

New Experience Never to be Repeated

This week there was an historic catastrophic event that happened in Goshen, IN where we live - which was the "100 year rain" (somebody told Steve that was a thing) on top of 14-18" of snow that we had a few days before. It was first time ever that we lived in a house where it was threatened by rising flood waters. It was such an eerie, helpless feeling as we watched the water rise and knew that there was absolutely nothing we could do to make it stop.

Steve had measured with his laser and put out markers so we knew where the levels were and how much more levels of water we could take before we had to bail. Thankfully, we never had to bail. But we kept watching the water keep inching up to those markers.

Then to top it all off - our sump pump quit working and quickly the basement began to fill up with water. Steve rushed to get one from a coworker who lent us his that he said may or may not work - it worked for a while and then that one gave out. Steve then had to run around trying to find a place that actually had any in stock. While he was at Big R - within just a couple of minutes - 3-4 more people came in looking for sump pumps and evidently Steve looked like he knew about those kinds of things cuz they all kept asking him questions. Finally, he said "sorry but my basement is filling up - I gotta go."  One the greatest attributes of his character is kindness. Our basement got to about 4-6" which wasn't bad but nevertheless set us to scrambling on getting some of our precious photo albums and memorabilia out of the danger zone.

Woke up this morning to the water quickly receding - we are flood free and never want to experience that again.We are very aware of others who's homes and business's are devastated by the flood waters. We are counting our blessings - it could have been so much worse for us. One of the neighbors down the road had to be rescued by boat. The firefighters wading in to get here had water up to their waists. Another "older" couple had to evacuate their house right there on the corner because of rising water and foundation beginning to crumble.

A Foggy 6 Mile Walk

Donning my galoshes and umbrella in hand, I walked through the woods, along the river and by the dam to take some food to my very good friend and adopted Grandma. It was such an amazing walk. Because of the fog, everything seemed to shrouded in mystery and anticipation. When I started out, the visibility was very limited. I could only see just a few feet in front of me. When I gazed beyond, I could see very dim outlines of buildings and trees and because I knew the path well, I knew what was ahead. The sloshing of melting snow lapped at my ducky boots and I breathed in deeply the moisture and the quiet. All I could hear were the birds chirping and the river and the rushing of the water as I neared the dam.

I felt my soul some alive as I walked. Now and again, I saw bright splotches of red as the cardinals flitted from branch to branch. Amazing to me that within the fog, objects seemed sharper in color. The detail of each object stood loud in contrast to the white density of the fog. It was altogether unearthly, like I had stepped off into a fairy land. It is so difficult to describe my heart as it felt every nuance of the walk.

I began to imagine the feeling of being surrounded by the Presence and Glory of God as the fog enveloped me. There was nothing to see up ahead - all I could see, touch and hear was the spot that I was in at the moment. How powerful is His Presence and Glory when nothing else  matters and is no longer felt or seen or heard - just the here and now - in the moment of Him. Wow!!! 

Real with a Touch of Elegance

My husband gave me something this morning that I have never received in my entire life up to this date. A real to life, genuine, authentic, preserved gold-gilded rose. I kept touching it and running my fingers over every little detail of this rose, amazed by the fact that it is real and yet will never die. A rose that has been preserved to be a symbol of love and romance for the rest of life. This rose will never die or fade or dry up or shrivel away to nothing. It is and ever will be a symbol of my husband's love for me.  My husband is  genuine, down to earth, authentic, loyal and real and tenderhearted. Whether he realized it or not - this rose that he gave me will forever be a symbol of the way he loves me. I deeply appreciate and treasure his way of being real and authentic. He is solid in his love - it will not die or fade away or dry up or shrivel away to nothing. It is not showy or false in any way and I have learned confidence in who I am because I am confident in his love for me. I love my life with this man.  We have lived life and continue to live life to the fullest. We have traveled around the world and lived in exotic places. We have raised 3 beautiful daughters and we have gained 3 amazing and incredible sons and our lives are full to the brim as we continue to celebrate life with them and our 2 adorable grandsons. And we are able to hold our heads high with the reality that together we live our lives in the Love and Reverence of God. I cannot be any more loved by this man who exemplifies integrity by the way that he loves God and loves his family.
So thank you Steve, for my never ending rose - that is real with a touch of elegance.  The touch of elegance is all the little ways of his care as in always opening the door for me, taking my hand or my elbow when the way is a bit unsteady, building things for me, encouraging my dreams, fixing things that break down, starting campfires, the list is endless.  The little things matter and it's the little things that bring the touch of elegance to everyday life.

Nothing New About Staying

One morning this week, I was reading in Exodus about when God was telling the Israelites how to build the Ark of the Covenant. And I was skimming over all the detailed and intricate instructions that God was giving them. Because after all, I'm not a builder and I could really care less how long and wide and deep things were being measured. But even while I was skimming, my mind began to wander a tad bit and I heard the Lord whispering some truth to me. Something about the fact that He hasn't stopped giving detailed and intricate instructions - I'm just not staying long enough to listen to them or being  patient enough to pay attention to them. It kinda stopped me up short.

You see, if you don't know me very well, I tend to be a pretty impatient person. I have a difficult time just sitting around waiting. And that is something that even in my mid 50's, I still struggle with. One would think that One could learn to wait and be patient about it. Yes, One would think that but I am still not that One. I'm getting better at it, but still...who really has time to sit around and wait when One could be up and doing something about it all.

So.....God has had me in a "resting" place since July of last year. And, after all I don't want to be lazy. And really, shouldn't I be all rested up by now?  So getting back to this "staying" to hear ALL the instructions.  Whenever God lays out a plan for me - I tend to hear or see the big picture and I'm like "yeah, let's do this" and I get all excited and I jump up and begin to run with it and figure out all the details as we go. But this time, God is saying, I want you to learn how to stay and hear and learn all the instructions. He keeps sitting me back down on my butt.  I'm taking baby steps towards this new plan that He's laying out for me. Within each step, I'm only taking by instruction, which is different and new for me. And it's requiring a whole lot of patience, but perhaps I'm "old" enough to learn this time around.

And as the snow continues to fall and sit on top of all the life that is happening underneath, so I am learning to enjoy the beauty of staying and listening to all the instructions before I run off. At least, the instructions that He's wanting me to learn. There are details and instructions that He gives as I'm building and doing but there are blueprints to be made and pictures to take and steps to learn. And if I want something to be built correctly, I need to begin correctly with a sturdy foundation. So what I'm building will stand strong and true. So I'm staying until He tells me that I'm done staying.

New Life Around the Corner

One morning last week, I took a 2 1/2 mile walk. The sun was shining and life was looking up. As I came close to the house, this scene across from our house caught my attention. The openness, the blue sky peaking through the clouds, the tree line and the tall grasses, all spoke to me. Even in the browns and what appears to be lifeless - it is not at all what it appears. There is life - even underneath the deadened grasses, even in the shadows, even in the tall brown grass and even in the clouded sky above - the sun is shining.  THERE IS LIFE!!!

Beginning of February and the winter finish line is up ahead. I can see it in the distance - not too far distance. The promise of new life and spring is just around the next corner. It's not too much longer and life will spring up from underneath where it has been all this time - we just haven't been able to see it. The signs of spring are not here yet but it is coming. 

Life happens whether we see signs of it or not. Don't give up hope - just when you feel you can't hold on any longer - remember that God is holding on to you. Newness is just around the next bend - don't give up, don't give in, don't quit. If you don't quit....YOU WIN!!  All we have to do is NOT QUIT!!!  I promise you that the warm winds will blow again. The green grass and leaves will appear. The bare, brown ground will spring forth with life and life abundant. 

New Wings

This morning as I left the Farmer's Market around 8.30am and was driving home, I spotted an eagle flying over the river. It was such a majestic sight, although I couldn't stare at it too long, cuz I was driving. It was flying low enough that I was able to catch sight of the span of it's wings. It was amazing to watch as it soared above the water and I realized that it didn't need to flap very often - just once or twice as I watched - that's how strong it's wings are.

All day long as I did some chores around the house, cooked and baked in the kitchen, I caught myself thinking about that sight. And I kept thinking about how that eagle trusted in the strength of his wings and the air current to carry it and wasn't frantically flapping them.

I had planned on finishing this and posting it the same day that I started it. But I was hijacked by other things, so here I am after a 2 mile walk in the sunshine and beauty of a warmish January day.

One of the past couple mornings, I was reflecting and meditating on the goodness of God over the past couple of weeks as I have ventured into new areas of life and new adventures, He gave me 3 words that are for this new year.

TRUST     LEAP    RISK

Those are some very impressive and scary and daunting words. But I truly believe that I had to let go of something good to grab hold of the "something" better. In order to walk in this new "something" requires a lot of trust and a whole lot of risk and perhaps even some blind leaping.

I feel I have just scratched the surface of what awaits me this year. I have this goose bumpy, hair raising anticipation for what's coming down the road. Or maybe what and where this road that I'm just beginning on will take me.

I do have full confidence in the REALITY AND TRUTH that God is there every step of the way - even when it looks as if the next step is a blind one.

To bring me back to the eagle and the soaring and the not frantically flapping. I WILL soar as on wings of eagles. I WILL trust the air current of Holy Spirit in my life - His breath on and in me. His whispers of direction with each step I take and each life that He brings to me for blessing and ministry. I can't wait to see what adventure this is and where it's going to take me.

Feeling At Peace

I was reminded this week by finding out that one of the situations that I was so devastated by, that God actually was protecting me from a poisonous situation. I had no idea. All I could see and feel and hear was that once again, I was the victim of someone else's issues. Always, Always, Always - God brings beauty from the ugly. It's so difficult to see any beauty in the midst of a betrayal, a loss, a misunderstanding, an accusation or whatever else I tend to experience from someone else's issues. The choice that I have had these past 6 months, the choice that God continued to bring me back to was do I choose to be the victim or do I choose to let God be my Defender, my Redeemer, my Salvation, my Champion. When I choose to allow Him to be Who He is - I am no longer a victim. I would get lost up in the hurt, the pain, the devastation and forget. But ever so gently, He would bring me back to Who He is for me and allow me to choose another way. Being the victim always brings drama and emotional roller coaster rides. I hate that feeling of being out of control, of being taken where I don't want to go. But that is the way of the victim - always being led around by emotions and what others are saying and doing to me.

This morning, I look back over the 6 months and realize that the fog has lifted. I see things more clearly now, the sun shines on the places and images that were once shrouded in shadows. I am beginning to see the healing take place. I am no longer angry, no longer in such pain as I was before. I will continue to choose life. I will continue to choose peace. I will continue to believe the best in people. I will continue to move forward with joy and confidence. Because I KNOW that He has my back. He will always be for me and not against me. And if He is ever before me and behind me and at my side - What and Who can not harm me. Because my eyes are on Him and on Who He is.

I know because I am human that I will forget, that I will get blindsided, that I will stumble and lose my way. That is just the way of human nature and my God knows that. He knows the humanity within me even better than I know myself. But hopefully, I am stronger because of what I went through. Hopefully, I am more confident in Who God is within me. It is by His Strength that I can hold my head high.

What Do I Fear?

I'm not generally a fearful person. But this morning as I was sitting and quieting my heart, I began to ask myself some questions and I heard the Lord asking me what it is that I fear.

You see, I've been experimenting over the years and sticking my toes into the water and trying my hand at some things but never fully committing to anything. Not fully jumping in head first. Always just skirting around making something legit and always trying to stay under the radar. And.....hence the questions. Because once again, I'm putting my toes in the water and trying to feel the temperature before I fully commit to it all.

And that is what I want and love to do with food. I've done cake decorating before. Heck, I had a wedding catering home business for 5 years. That was about 15 years ago. But just when, it really started to take off and I was seeing a profit, I got skittish because I was getting to the point where I needed to get a legit, certified, health department standard kitchen and at the time, we were not financially able to pull it off, so I quit. And...I allowed one discouraging situation to side line me.

While I worked at the hospital and clinic - I put myself out there for baked goods and sold them. But only through word of mouth and once again out of my own kitchen and thus not totally committing myself. And that was 5-10 years ago.

So, here I am once again, at another point in time looking at and having a passion and vision to start something up again. And it has to do with food. So, do I once again - just dabble and check the safety with my toes or do I fully dive in? I don't have financial woes to be my excuse. I don't have raising children as my excuse, so the question is what in the world is stopping me?

*Fear of failure. If I don't put myself out there in the public eye - then it doesn't matter if I fail
*Fear of commitment - seriously, I want to be free with my time. I'm not naive about a retail food business to know what kind of time commitment it is.
*Fear of not having what it takes to pull it off

So there, I'm putting my fears out there - I'm being transparent and vulnerable and honest with where I'm at. Now, I have to deal with it.

Let's see where this takes me.  "Never let your fear decide your future". I will NOT allow fear to sideline me once again. I will NOT allow fear to control my life or my choices.

I do want to be smart and count the cost of what this will take and that is what I'm doing. I'm talking with smart people and business minded people.

I'm in for an adventure and I'm well on my way - I will keep you all posted.
Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

New Adventure???

As most of you know, if you follow me on a regular basis, is that I have given my notice to the school system and I have declined the job offer with the hospital.  It all has come to a climax this past week, really just in the last several days. I had been offered a 40 hr/week from 5am-1.30pm position as a tray line cook in the hospital kitchen, specifically fixing trays for patients. I had been in conversation with the director and manager there for a couple of weeks. I even went in to job shadow one day. While all these talks were going on, my feet continued to ache and get stiffer. Which I thought was rather strange, seeing that I was on vacation for 2 weeks. I kept finding myself hesitating about taking on this job. Did I really think that I could do a 40hr/week, 8 hrs/day on my feet again? Did I really want to? I know that I need to bring in x-amount of money to help us pay for our trips to see our kids. And then I received the call from HR which totally threw the basket up in the air and nothing came down into the basket the way that it was. They were describing a different job description and hours and then when I asked them the pay - it wasn't even close to what I was hoping for or expecting. So then, I began to get down on myself. "No one wants to pay me for what I'm worth (on paper)". And then, I began to spiral a tad bit from there down in to the "pity hole" and began to play myself a pity party. The sad thing about these kinds of parties - NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO BE THERE.  I try to get people to come to my party and they may for a quick "drink" but then they quickly find something better to do.  LOL

I was out filling my bird feeders and having it out with God. The great thing about God, well, one of the many great things, is that He isn't offended by my rantings or spiralings or yelling or ridiculous sounding whining. And I was doing all of that with Him....."what do you want from me?"  "why can't I hear you talking to me?"  "why are you so silent?"  And all I hear is the crunch of the really really cold snow and myself breathing because of how out of shape I am and how much I'm walking with my bird feeder filling. And it really isn't that much walking - it's just that I'm so out of shape.  And then without much fanfare at all, I hear God saying, "what was the last thing I told you to do"?  But that was MOOOONTHS  ago is what I breathed back to Him. And once again He's silent.  The last thing that I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt, way back in August, was that I needed to rest and give myself the space to become a whole person. Resting my mind, my body, my  heart, and getting healed and whole in all areas. But haven't I rested enough?  Am I not getting lazy?  Isn't it time to get up and finally do something productive?

That very afternoon, I meet with a dear friend of mine whose mother has just passed away. She had asked me if I would cater a light lunch for the family after the grave side service. I was all over that. We talked about a good many things. And after a few hours, we went our separate ways. I went to the store to gather the items for making the lunch. All the while, I'm realizing that  my heart is opening up, that I've stopped whining, that I'm actually joyful.

After my dearest darling husband gets home from work - I tell him the story of the the hospital and then I also tell him of my meeting with my friend and the lunch and all that I'm making and how my mom is still in town and she's going to help me and my sister is coming to chop vegetables for me.
He proceeds to tell me that he thinks I just need to take it slow and not rush into anything. Take the time that's needed to figure out what it is that I want to do, that God wants me to do.  And then, he tells me that he just received a substantial raise at his job. WHAT????  WOW!!!!!

The morning of the funeral, my sister, my mom and I are prepping the food and talking and all the while, I realize this is what my heart really wants to do. Small, community, ministry, homemade, real stuff. Mom and I take the food and serve it and mingle with the family. My heart is over the top - this is what it's all about. Connecting with people and ministering to them over food that is made with love and care.

My mind is racing and finally connecting with my heart. My heart is opening to all of the ideas that I have and not had the time and space to truly think it all through. I have a heart and a passion to teach people how to cook wholesome, healthy, homemade and inexpensive meals for themselves and families. I have a heart and a passion for those who are struggling to make ends meet in our community. I have a heart and a passion to offer my services to make meals for those families, elderly, single parents who have no desire to cook or have no time to cook or who are not able to cook for themselves. I have a heart and a passion to utilize community growers and farmers. I want to see people come in and either fix themselves a meal for free or for $ to take a meal to go to fix at home with clear instructions or just to throw something into the microwave that's already been cooked. Or to share an experience with friends and/or family over fixing a good meal and then sharing it together.

"Rainy Day Meals" - I love rainy days. There are always days where nothing ever goes right, there are days when all you want to do is come home and curl up and not move except to get something out of the freezer and in to the oven. And know that whatever you are eating - will be healthy, made with love, wholesome and downright tasty!

So.....what's next????  Stay tuned...........All I know is that good things happen around food.  And I need to continue to rest, to get my body, heart and mind healthy - and that is where the adventure is for me. I do know for sure that all this stirring up of my heart is part of the healthy restful journey that I'm on.

New Peace, New Joy

This morning, I have found the twinges of a rejuvenation of my peace and joy.  It has been so long, since I've really and truly felt something besides hurt, betrayal, fear and anger. Everything that I knew to do to combat those negative emotions, seemed to fall short of all that I've been grieving.

On top of the grieving of the loss of seasons - has been the loss of a job that I held dear to the very core of my heart. I wasn't told to leave but I knew that it was time for me to leave. And when I did leave, I felt that I had to leave with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs. Instead of celebrating what God had done in and through me in my interactions with beloved people, I felt a total sense of shame. I went through all the phases of loss and even went through the acceptance phase of accepting lies about myself that just are not true. Even though I would tell myself those are lies and I tried to not let them penetrate - I did not have the energy or strength to stop them all together and they began to wear away on my spirit, like water eventually wears away the edges of rocks.

This morning for the first time in a long time, I feel the inklings of joy and peace. My heart has just not been feeling at all, at least on the surface. I know there are deep waters churning in my soul and at times would surface as a torrential tsunami. Then it would ebb and yet I know it is all still there.

I know beyond any shadow of doubt that My God is for me and not against me. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He is looking out for my best. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He holds me close until this storm passes on by. I know that He values me and my contributions even when I don't feel validated or recognized by people in leadership roles. I know that, that really and truly doesn't matter, that it doesn't hold any eternal value, what people think, believe or say that I am or that I do or have done. The eternal value is what the God of the Universe, the God who made me so intricately and delicately and passionately believes who I am and actually created who I am - so He really and truly knows me best and to that end......I please Him and no other. I can walk in freedom and confidence with my head held high.  I hold on to these truths desperately even when I know that I have no strength to hold on anymore - He holds on to me and will NEVER let me go. Even when I stumble and fall - He is holding on to me and I KNOW that my falls or stumbles will   NEVER be out of His grasp. When I stop looking into His eyes that's when I end up stumbling. So my gaze will continue to be on His eyes and His heart for me. 

And all of that brings the beginnings of joy and peace to my heart and mind and soul. It truly is the beginning of NEWNESS!!!

New Year, New Adventures, New Slate, New Job, New......

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

2018 - This is something from the future. We are living in "back to the future". These numbers are crazy when I think of a lot of the futuristic movies from back in the 80's. We are almost to 2020.....wow.

2017 - was a difficult year for me personally and yet it was full of life and adventure. It was an eventful year to say the least.

This year, from the very beginning, I begin a new job. I will be working in the Goshen Hospital kitchen as a tray line cook for the patients. I am looking forward to the possibilities that await me here. I believe I can grow and be challenged here.

This year, I will continue to allow myself to become a healthier me; physically and emotionally. I will continue to learn what it means to truly rest. I will continue to  pursue a deeper, more intimate relationship with my Hero, my Lord, my Redeemer.  I will continue to marvel at how He takes the ugly and creates intense and incredible beauty in the midst of it.

I am excited to see where this year will take me. I am excited to see who I will become this year.

It's gotta be better than last year and yet as I say that - even in the midst of all the ugly and difficulty, I have learned many things and in the midst of letting go - I have gained much.